Update

As most of you know, Makae is in a Behavioral Center down in Littleton. Last week was pretty intense. On Sunday it all culminated in her being taken to the hospital where she told the counselors that she WAS going to kill herself and also her dad and her brother. This whole incident was precipitated by her intense emotions for a boy she barely knows, but who has become her whole world. As is common for her, her dependence on a boy for her personal worth outweighs any rational thought and she acts accordingly. She wanted to be put in a hospital in Greeley which is only a block from this boy's school. She was rather upset when she found out where she was going and how far it was not only from us, but even more so from him.

While the incident that led up to her being there was a completely manipulated one (though that isn't how she would describe or feel it), the other things that have happened in the last 4-6 months are just as good a reason for her to be there, or not. In her personal struggles with Borderline, compounded by the normal emotional upheaval of being a teenager, she has tried, experimented, and done things that are very detrimental to her physical and emotional health. She has tried drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol. She has stolen from us, manipulated us and lied to us. She has skipped school, run away, and pierced her body in various parts. None of what she has done has been extreme enough to cause her any real physical damage, yet. She is not addicted to any particular drug, though the feeling of escaping from her problems through a chemical is an addicting feeling. On top of the emotional addiction comes the biggest detriment to her. Shame. Shame is a part of Makae's make-up. She feels it intensely. She does whatever she can to escape it, even blaming it all on others, but underneath it is still there. Every time she does something that she believes is wrong, no matter how much she pretends it doesn't matter to her, or isn't her values, it adds to her feelings of worthlessness and shame. All of the above things she has done just further reinforce in her mind that she is a mess and shameful, that she doesn't have worth. Of course that doesn't happen at the moment she is doing it. It comes afterwards when she is calm and reflects. So she creates this ferocious cycle of doing anything to escape the pain of being worthless, which later comes back to make her feel more worthless because she feels ashamed of what she did.

My heart aches for her. Even more than the upsets and the constant waiting for the next explosion that come from living with her is the ache that she is in such pain, and that the things we are trying, and she is trying, are not helping her with that. We have shunned inpatient care this past little while, because we believe it is kind of like being in the MTC on your mission. It is so easy to be spiritual there, to not sin, because you really have no opportunity for sin. Unless you deliberately go looking for it. Inpatient care for Makae provides a very supportive environment. She doesn't have to deal with people saying mean things, or not liking her. She doesn't have to worry about a boyfriend or friends. And if she does have an emotional episode her opportunities to hurt herself or others are very limited. She can say words. There are no drugs, no way to cut and no opportunity to run away. In that way it is very supportive and she thrives there. However she is also deprived of so many freedoms and her ability to choose.

We have agreed with her therapist that she needs to find coping skills to be able to adapt to reality. Good coping skills, instead of bad ones. That is what all of her actions are. She is trying to cope with the pain -- and she is coping! -- but in a very negative way. It works, she survives, but it adds to her problems. Our question of late has been where is the best place for her. Due to her recent behaviors it seems like she is on a path of either death or jail, which I can't believe would provide her with very good chances to learn to cope. Wouldn't an inpatient facility be better than both of those? However does that teach her to rely on the "System" every time anything gets out of her control? That is quite common for people with her disorder. They become chronic patients.

At this point the question is moot, at least for a few more days. The state has a hold on her, and until 72 hours are up, we have no say in what happens to her. After that, we have a decision to make. And the options aren't really pleasant. It's like a presidential race where you have to choose the least hateful of the candidates, only with more personal results.

While I don't think where she is at right now is going to have much of a lasting effect on her, or be very therapeutic (it is too general), it does provide us all with a calming down period, and a chance for us to catch our breath and deal with some of the deeper issues instead of running to put out fire after fire.