Update

As most of you know, Makae is in a Behavioral Center down in Littleton. Last week was pretty intense. On Sunday it all culminated in her being taken to the hospital where she told the counselors that she WAS going to kill herself and also her dad and her brother. This whole incident was precipitated by her intense emotions for a boy she barely knows, but who has become her whole world. As is common for her, her dependence on a boy for her personal worth outweighs any rational thought and she acts accordingly. She wanted to be put in a hospital in Greeley which is only a block from this boy's school. She was rather upset when she found out where she was going and how far it was not only from us, but even more so from him.

While the incident that led up to her being there was a completely manipulated one (though that isn't how she would describe or feel it), the other things that have happened in the last 4-6 months are just as good a reason for her to be there, or not. In her personal struggles with Borderline, compounded by the normal emotional upheaval of being a teenager, she has tried, experimented, and done things that are very detrimental to her physical and emotional health. She has tried drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol. She has stolen from us, manipulated us and lied to us. She has skipped school, run away, and pierced her body in various parts. None of what she has done has been extreme enough to cause her any real physical damage, yet. She is not addicted to any particular drug, though the feeling of escaping from her problems through a chemical is an addicting feeling. On top of the emotional addiction comes the biggest detriment to her. Shame. Shame is a part of Makae's make-up. She feels it intensely. She does whatever she can to escape it, even blaming it all on others, but underneath it is still there. Every time she does something that she believes is wrong, no matter how much she pretends it doesn't matter to her, or isn't her values, it adds to her feelings of worthlessness and shame. All of the above things she has done just further reinforce in her mind that she is a mess and shameful, that she doesn't have worth. Of course that doesn't happen at the moment she is doing it. It comes afterwards when she is calm and reflects. So she creates this ferocious cycle of doing anything to escape the pain of being worthless, which later comes back to make her feel more worthless because she feels ashamed of what she did.

My heart aches for her. Even more than the upsets and the constant waiting for the next explosion that come from living with her is the ache that she is in such pain, and that the things we are trying, and she is trying, are not helping her with that. We have shunned inpatient care this past little while, because we believe it is kind of like being in the MTC on your mission. It is so easy to be spiritual there, to not sin, because you really have no opportunity for sin. Unless you deliberately go looking for it. Inpatient care for Makae provides a very supportive environment. She doesn't have to deal with people saying mean things, or not liking her. She doesn't have to worry about a boyfriend or friends. And if she does have an emotional episode her opportunities to hurt herself or others are very limited. She can say words. There are no drugs, no way to cut and no opportunity to run away. In that way it is very supportive and she thrives there. However she is also deprived of so many freedoms and her ability to choose.

We have agreed with her therapist that she needs to find coping skills to be able to adapt to reality. Good coping skills, instead of bad ones. That is what all of her actions are. She is trying to cope with the pain -- and she is coping! -- but in a very negative way. It works, she survives, but it adds to her problems. Our question of late has been where is the best place for her. Due to her recent behaviors it seems like she is on a path of either death or jail, which I can't believe would provide her with very good chances to learn to cope. Wouldn't an inpatient facility be better than both of those? However does that teach her to rely on the "System" every time anything gets out of her control? That is quite common for people with her disorder. They become chronic patients.

At this point the question is moot, at least for a few more days. The state has a hold on her, and until 72 hours are up, we have no say in what happens to her. After that, we have a decision to make. And the options aren't really pleasant. It's like a presidential race where you have to choose the least hateful of the candidates, only with more personal results.

While I don't think where she is at right now is going to have much of a lasting effect on her, or be very therapeutic (it is too general), it does provide us all with a calming down period, and a chance for us to catch our breath and deal with some of the deeper issues instead of running to put out fire after fire.

Purpose?

So the past few days have been pretty stressful. 3 runaway attempts. My daughters bedroom now has only a mattress and a few clothes she needs in it. We even took her shoes so she can't try to run away. She has no access to any computer or telephone. Essentially she has to earn back any privilege. That includes make-up, jewelry, etc. I also think we are going to get a second opinion on residential care. I hate the thought of losing her to it again, but right now she is on a road that I am afraid is going to lead to death or jail, and I can't imagine they would be a better place for her.

My real question for thought today is this. God obviously knew what her condition would be when she came to this world. He knew of her difficulties and I don't think she came to our family just by chance. He knew she would need a certain set of parents to help her the best they could, to give her the best chance for success in this life. So given that belief (which I really do believe), what is it he thinks I can do for her? How am I supposed to be able to help her? I pray for her. I love her. I haven't given up on her - though at times I claim to. Sometimes I really wonder what my role is for her. I have so many issues myself. I admit that I see a lot of my weaknesses in her, and she probably has learned some of her poor coping skills from me. I do keep trying though (maybe that is some sort of example for her). I just wonder at times if my emotional weaknesses add to her emotional problems. And today I really ask the question what does God think I can do to help her? Obviously it is something or she wouldn't have been sent to us.

I am not saying God caused her problems. We each came to earth with our own weaknesses to overcome. But I do believe that he sent us to the best possible situation to over come those weaknesses. He didn't leave us to flounder. So if that is the case, what is my role in helping her? I wish I had the answer to that. Sometimes though I just feel as though I am floundering through it all.

I am glad today is Sunday. I hope to go to church and get some much needed uplifting and recharging. I know he hasn't abandoned us, but sometimes I do wish I had a little more than line upon line. I wish I had a solution. Trust and Faith are something I am finding I am maybe not so strong in. That isn't true. I still have trust and faith, but it is perhaps life the man in the bible who stated to Christ, "I believe, help thou my unbelief". I guess I don't have that unwavering belief in this situation. I know he can help. I have no doubt in that. But I truly believe in this case he sees a purpose for us all in learning to deal with this trial. So I don't believe he will change it, and at times that really makes me angry. I want the healing not the endurance. So I know I am fighting against God's will, but it is hard to see and accept His will when she is hurting so badly and we are as well. And I know that is where faith comes in. So again my question for the day is what is my role in this? How am I to act and respond to help her and yet still have faith in His plan and his time scale? It is a difficult question to answer.

Hope is Frail, but Hard to Kill

I should apologize for my last post, but I am not going to.  It was written after a heart wrenching month that accumulated in a terrible day and a very low point for me.  It was how I felt.  I wish I could say that I have great faith that all will work out for the best.  Work out, eventually, yes.  For the best - well that all depends on what is best.

In the past month my daughter has been arrested for drug paraphernalia, ran away, attempted suicide, broke her collar bone in an out of control rage where her father was trying to restrain her, changed schools, and smoked cigarettes.  Those are just the major things.  There have been a ton of little things like going walks that turn into 8 hours, not doing chores,  piercing her lip, etc.  Through all of it I try to have faith and hope that her life will be okay.  That her therapy will help.  She has a psychiatrist and a therapist and between them she has 10- 12 appointments per month.  Yet she continues to make decisions that are harmful for her, and have a negative effect on her siblings.  As her parent I am left to determine how do we act towards her for her best benefit.  To simply ignore those things because she has been taught better and she is mostly only hurting herself doesn't seem responsible.  And yet there is little we can do to enforce behavior.  She has to make her own decisions.  I have prayed and prayed for knowing what to do to help her.  I get no major ideas, or thoughts.  The only thing I get is continue.  But when, continuing feels like it isn't working where do you go from there?  I do know that long term therapy on an inpatient level is not the choice.  At least not right now.  We've done that and it works great while she is there, but once out she can't handle it again.

I know part, and a large part, is her disorder.  I know that she essentially has no moral compass.  She is influenced by whom she is around, and whoever that happens to be is the values she will take on.  That isn't to say she doesn't know right from wrong.  She does.  But her need to be accepted and loved is so great that she will do anything to fit in.  Then later she feels guilty about it because she knows right from wrong, and then she will do anything to get rid of the pain, because it is so strong.  So she turns to suicide, drugs or cigarettes, cutting, or whatever it takes to numb the pain.  I know that God knows all about her disorder and that he takes that into account.  But others don't.  And that is a natural consequence, but one that I can't control.  But it hurts me when she is hurting.

I understand all this.  I can even empathize, but as a responsible parent where do you draw the line.  Heavenly Father certainly doesn't punish, but there are consequences.  Drug court was one of hers.  However on top of that Heavenly Father does not give you certain privileges if you are not worthy of them, so we have done the same and taken away privileges like phone, ipod, grounding, computer, facebook, etc.  Not all at the same time except when there is total defiance of any rules.  When none of that seems to work, what is there?     That is where I was at the other day.  I am still in the same bind.  However, not in the same mindset.

It does get hard.  Day in and day out seems to bring it's own set of crises, and we seem to live from one to the next.  And I guess I  can see how my kids would look back and say how dysfunctional their youth was.   And it is.  I can only control that to a certain degree, but it makes me feel bad that I am not able to provide for them what I would like.  However perhaps this is what Heavenly Father feels they need for their future somehow.

I wouldn't say there is not hope.  I know there is.  I want to believe in it, which is what hope is.  However, somedays it is pretty fragile and it breaks easily.  A lot lately.  I know I am struggling with my own depression which seems to hit every winter.  When I add that to the situation at hand it seems to spiral out of control.

Anyway.... long post and not sure much has changed, but I could use prayers for me and for Makae.  Actually the whole family.

Failure

The worst part of my life is knowing that despite all of my efforts and dreams, and wants, and trying my family will always be defunct.  You can't imagine how difficult it is to live with the knowledge day after day that no matter how much you read the scriptures, or pray, or try to live the standards, it will never be enough for your family to be eternal.  Yes, I know the whole thing about you can only do your best and Christ makes up the difference, but he sent us here with a plan of choice, and I  have no ability to makes anyone elses choices, thus I cannot "Make" another person choose well.  That is all fine and dandy.  And I get it and all, but we were sent to work out our salvation in family units, and the one I have is impossible to save..... And knowing that really hurts.