Thursday, February 12, 2015

Simmering Resentment

Boy do I need blessings and help to overcome my faults.  One of them is Simmering Resentment.  I know it is wrong, and I talk it through and I know with my head that this is the way it is, but then my heart hurts and all of the pent up hurt feelings come out, and I realize I haven't really cleared things up yet.  I don't know how long it will take.  I do try.  I try to see the good side of people.  I try to be nonjudgemental, I try to look through their eyes, but sometimes I'm human and I just see it so differently and "They are wrong and should fix it" comes out.

My biggest areas I struggle with are in family relationships and religion.  The person who has sinned I can allow to repent with no problem.  I give them the benefit of the doubt.  But when it is personal and I know they know better it gets to me.  I have certain standards that I think are important, and I know others peoples standards aren't the same as mine, but somehow I think they should be.  I have to admit that I was quite upset with Shawn's parents for wanting to be gone all the time instead of with family.  I know that is wrong.  I love them, and I know they love us, and I know they are truly enjoying this time of their lives together.  I want them to enjoy it.  I want them to be happy... yet because I put so much emphasis on family togetherness I find it hard not to put that on them as well.  My dad has frustrated me the past few weeks.  His way of dealing with disappointment hurts not only him, but Mom and Cole as well.  How can someone so knowledgeable about the gospel and Christ's teachings not see another's side of things.  How can he think by cutting someone off you are helping them.    Doesn't he realize only by love and example will he ever teach his son of his love?    But then I do the same thing in holding on to resentments.  I am having problems with my sister for divorcing her husband and being so unwilling to even consider him changing or trying.  I feel like the marriage covenant is so sacred you work and work at it.  That God will bless you in making it work. She doesn't feel the same and although I can see her side of it, and I can understand how hard it is for her, and I love her dearly, I get so angry about it, which is stupid because it doesn't really effect me and it isn't my decision or place.  I have family members on both sides that have left the church.  It bothers me a lot.  I feel like they are lost to me.  I look at my life and think about all the things that have happened and I think if anyone has a reason to be mad at God it is me. And I do get mad at him, but I never doubt his church.  I never doubt it is right.  I may not think things work the way some of the members think it does, but I am convinced of the truthfulness of the church, and I can't understand people leaving it.  It hurts me even though I know it is not done to hurt me.  In fact it has nothing to do with me, but I feel it.  The religion one is the hardest for me.   I love these people, I don't hate them, or even dislike them, I just get resentful.

It is one thing I am working on, I really am.  I am sure I have plenty of things for them to resent as well.  I know my side of the family says I'm great except for my epistles.  That is what they have dubbed my letters to them.  We manage to work through it.  I guess that is what really counts its managing to work through it and love them in spite of the things we don't like.  And in all reality the resentment mostly comes out when I am down and overwhelmed and I think I need people to help me and the ones I want to rely on aren't there because of choices they have made.  I guess that is what it boils down to is personalization, and expectations.  Sometimes I have to remind myself about my sessions with Cassandra and the things I learned there.  My though patterns are just as bad as some of Makae's.

Anyway.... this post is not to make anyone feel bad, it is just I know I need to work on things.  I know I have to fix these things, and I am trying, it just takes time.  Please know I don't hate you, I just have feelings I need to come to terms with.  It isn't you -- It's me.
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